


Memento Mori

by burdened_with_glorious_hunters



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Car Accidents, Character Death, Drabble, Experimental Style, Ficlet, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, M/M, Major Character Injury, Non-Linear Narrative, One Shot, Open to Interpretation, Past Tense, Shane Madej-Centric, Snapshots, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragic Romance, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:18:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23819752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burdened_with_glorious_hunters/pseuds/burdened_with_glorious_hunters
Summary: 'I would have followed you all the way to the graveyard'it's a thought that crosses Shane's mind as he stared at the tombstone. It's funny, all his time with Unsolved neither of them had investigated a cemetery or maybe they had and it's slipped Shane's mind? either way, it didn't matter what they did or didn't do in unsolved.Ryan Bergara was dead.No fleeting memory of their time together in shitty rundown location was going to change that.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	Memento Mori

' _I would have followed you all the way to the graveyard_ '

It's a thought that crossed Shane's mind as he stared at the tombstone. He would have followed the other no matter what in theory but in reality he didn't did he? If he would have followed Ryan he wouldn't be standing before the grave of his best friend. 

It was almost funny that all his time with Unsolved neither of them had investigated a cemetery or maybe they had and it's slipped Shane's mind? either way, it didn't matter what they did or didn't do in unsolved. 

Ryan Bergara was **_dead_**. No fleeting memory of their time together in shitty rundown location was going to change that. 

If Ryan were here he'd probably remark about how he sensed all the ghosts around him or how eery it was to stand in a space so freshly connected to the deceased. In all honestly, Shane would have done anything to see a ghost right now... it would ease the heartache eating at him since he watched Ryan's casket being lowered six feet under. 

Instead he turned to join the other's in the wake that followed, ready to down his sorrows in a final toast. 

\--

Fleeting touches and subtle glances had been their relationship for years, coming more and more prominent as season after season of unsolved.

As the channel had grown so had Shane's fondness for his co-host, he'd relished in those moments Ryan's gaze had sought him out in whatever shabby place had caught his attention of the time. Tried to stop his inner thoughts coming across his face as Ryan would huddle against him, too aware of the fact the cameras were on him eagerly awaiting his every reaction. 

They'd danced around one another... 

The fact apparent during late nights after filming when it was just them, light reflects on the rearview- glinting off the rosary beads Ryan had hung on it like it could repeal whatever ghoul followed them home. 

" _Ryan_ " He'd say and those soft brown eyes would stare back and it struck him like a slap in the face that lately when he'd said the others name something had changed, he wanted to say; " _Just listen... doesn't it sound different?_ " But the words get caught in his throat and he'd just smile wryly, feeling like the other was slipping through his fingertips. " _I've never whispered it this way_ " he wants to say but his throat constricts and it's lucky he can breathe properly. It probably helped that Ryan's eyes had shifted from him, turned to look back out the window to gaze out into the sprawling night around them.

" _Do you feel this too?_ " his lips form the words but no sound escapes him- it's silent and he knows Ryan hadn't seen it, but well, Shane's attention was the road ahead them even if his mind was more focused on the man sitting beside him. 

\---

" _I've known you forever, now I know you better"_ " Ryan had said to him one night. They were sleeping in some run-down location that had been Ryan's pick of the week apparently it was plagued by the ghost of a man who was bludgeoned to death or perhaps it was a location haunted by the devil? Shane doesn't know, didnt really care if he was honest.

He'd laughed at the time. " _We've known each other for years, I don't think that counts as forever, Bergara_ " He'd been oblivious to the sentiment Ryan had shown him. 

Maybe if he'd just listened he would hear the words unsaid- ' _I know you know, not as an acquaintance but as a friends, as someone dear to you_ ' but Shane was a stupid man. If he was honest it served him right that Ryan never reached out to him again with similar sentiment. He could be a right bastard sometimes when it came to the emotions of others. 

\---

Rain hit the windscreen of the rent-car and Shane couldn't help but track the movement of the drops but looked away as the windscreen wiper flicked the drops he had watching race down the window. Instead he turned his attention towards the rosary Ryan carries with him hung across the rear-veiw mirror. Shane would say it's deja-vu to another time he'd spoken to the other after a day of filming that made his lips loose that night. 

" _If you could would you leave? go to somewhere warm like California... pack our backs just you and I"_

Ryan's eyes were the warmest shade of brown, his face highlighted in the softest hue as they passed a street-lamp. " _I would... but what about your projects you're waiting on the green light for?_ " 

' _screw them_ ' he wanted to say, ' _you know I'd leave it all for you_ ' but instead his lips twisted into a grin, nonsense coming from his lips. " _Ah true, the Hot Daga was only a taster for what's to come, something historical is where I want to end up... can't leave that behind now can I?_ " 

_Lies. Lies. Lies_. His heart seemed to echo the word with every beat. _Lies. Lies. Lies._ He'd leave it all for Ryan... he was a sucker in that regard. 

\---

Ryan had always spoken about ghosts, it had grated on Shane's nerves at first but over time the thinly veiled contempt he held for the topic shifted into reluctance and soon something just shy of content. It wasn't the topic that he enjoyed, no, rather the way Ryan's eyes would light up, the way his hands gestured wildly and how Ryan's voice was driven by passion and enthusiasm. He believed every word that passed his lips, Shane himself never had that belief... now he wishes he had at least _pretended_ to be swayed by whatever nonsense Ryan prattled on about. 

" _I was diving into a thread the other day and one of the users posed a theory that ghosts linger somewhere in a parallel universe to ours"_ Ryan had began his rant almost brimming with excitement as he shared his findings. _"It's the reason we sometimes see them, how they can come through to speak to us_ " 

" _Someone's been smoking to much, Bergara, I'm beginning to question if you do too_ " 

The smaller had let out a wheeze of a laugh at his words. " _It's a good concept! you're just too closed minded to even muse on it_ " 

\---

Light shone through the window and reflected white on the wooden floor of Ryan's apartment as the pair sat on Ryan's couch absently watching some B-grade movie. 

" _Now..."_ Ryan begun, smiling in anticipation of the debate which would no doubt occur with whatever insane through struck him so late in the evening. _"What do you think happens when we die_?"

Shane had scoffed at the question. " _Nothing. Only darkness... we return to the earth, cycle of life and all that_ " 

Ryan's lips pursued in a silent grimace. " _Sounds morbid... don't you think there'd be more, I don't know, pizzazz?_ " 

" _Death is morbid, Ryan, it's inevitable... Memento_ _Mori as they say_ " 

" _But don't you think that's chilling, that symbolic reminder of the inevitability of death?_ "

Shane paused and took in the furrowed brows of his companion. " _Blame christianity if you don't like it, Ryan, the term 'memento mori' was created due to the growth of Christianity, which really liked to enforce Heaven, Hell and salvation of the soul in the afterlife_ " 

Like he'd anticipated there was the faintest trace of a grin on Ryan's features, his prior discomfort made way to tease. " _See? you are totally a history nerd no matter how much you try to deny it_ " 

\---

Ryan would have said it was some type of karma or some other bullshit mystic thing that the accident would happen days after he'd ranted about ghosts and death... 

Shane would say it was nothing more than wrong place at the wrong time, the only thing it was, was coincidental- an accident. 

Nothing more, nothing less.

The world is a cruel place, he'd always said that... Ryan said he needed to lighten up more but just look where that optimism had taken Ryan...

\---

Rain pelted the windscreen of their rent car, the rush of water under the car's wheels background noise as they'd laughed together. Shane was driving, he'd only had two light beers but the effects of the alcohol no matter how light still made him feel more freer then he'd felt before it. 

Ryan's hair is awry but his eyes when they turn to look at Shane were still focused on Shane's face. It's not the first time Shane had thought it but It's the alcohol he blames for wondering if Ryan's lips would taste like the whiskey he'd been drinking throughout the night. 

As if Ryan was aware of his throughs, he'd softened growing more serious in the lull of their laughter. " _I've been trying to get you alone all night, Madej, it's like you've been avoiding me_ " 

Nerves made Shane laugh compulsively, hands gripping the steering wheel tighter. _"I'd never avoid you... unless for that one time you wanted me to do extra editing on Unsolved_ " 

Ryan shook his head. " _I wanted to talk to you... about us_ " 

Even with his gaze being on the road in front of them, Shane could sense the other was nervous. " _Yeah? you can tell me anything, Ryan, you know that_ " 

" _I know_ " 

" _I like you Shane... I can't keep pretending I don't any longer_ " 

" _You do?_ " Shane's bewildered, eyes sliding for the briefest moment from the road. " _I do too_ "

He doesn't get to hear the other's response as their rent-car is suddenly slammed by a car. Glass rained over them, blinded by head-lights as the wet road beneath them made things worse. The whiplash of the hit knocks Shane unconscious before he even comprehends what's happened. 

\---

It was cruel fate that their love had withered and died before it even began...

\---

The moment he'd blinked to look at Ryan at the confession a car had lost control on the other side of the road, the wet weather making a bad situation ten times worse as the other driver hit them head on. It's the headlights that had blinded him into disorientation and the concussion he'd received from the whiplash which knocked him out as his head hit the side of the car closest to him. 

Shade had woken up briefly slumped against the steering wheel or more specifically against the air bag that _was_ his steering wheel. His vision had been blurred but not blurred enough to not notice the way the windshield of the rent car had been smashed on the passengers side. He had passed out before he'd had the chance to look at the space Ryan had sat. 

Even if he had looked... Ryan wasn't in the passenger seat anymore. 

\---

The next time he'd groggily woke, the lights looked to bright above him and he can't focus on the words people around him were barking at one another. 

"Where's Ryan?" He'd slurred, whatever drugs they'd given him to make him unable to feel the pain inhibiting his speech or perhaps it wasn't drugs they'd given him and actually his injuries. 

"Don't worry about him, it's okay, just sleep" Someone had said to him. He wasn't sure when they'd placed a mask over his face but he slips back into a pleasant nothingness as he was brought under. 

\---

When he'd woke in the hospital days later he didn't have to ask his co-workers what happened to Ryan, it was clear in the expressions they couldn't hide, the barely restrained sadness behind their eyes. He didn't want to ask how, he didn't want to know what happened to him, to his best friend, his ~~_would be lover_~~ -

Those who visited skirted around the issue talking about nonsense like the weather, about mundane things but Shane never replied, he was not anymore talkative than a corpse. 

If he was honest... he'd never wanted more to fall asleep and never wake up.

\---

It was weeks later when he wasn't so nauseous like he'd throw up whatever was given to him that he managed to ask point blank what had happened to Ryan. 

" _He was thrown out the window_ " Steven had confessed shakily. " _Got real cut up when he went through the windshield but it wasn't that... it wasn't that which..._ " 

" _Killed him?_ " It's the first time he'd spoken in so long but it wasn't just that which had the words taste like ash in his mouth. 

Steven's inhale is deafening in the stillness of the room. " _Yeah... the momentum it... fuck, I'm sorry Shane_ " 

' _It's fine_ ' Shane wants to say but it's not, it's not fucking okay so he just sits there silently. 

Steven leaves soon after but Shane doesn't cry, there's no tear-tracks down his cheeks, his eyes aren't red like everyone else who've come in to check on him since he'd woken. 

' _It's your fault he's dead, it was you who drove that night_ ' his traitorous brain screams at him.

He wonders for a moment if he'd be able to steal a needle or a scalpel or something from a nurse the next time they entered his room, make quick use of it before they noticed but he disregards the notion as soon as it forms. Ryan did't get to chose if he wanted to die so why should Shane be able to? 

It's a notion that haunted him until he was discharged from the hospital. 

\---

The funeral was as expected. Attendants wore all black, people spoke about what they loved about Ryan, what they'd miss about him, how tragic his death was...

"You would have hated it" Shane says to the tombstone. "I know you would have loved if people made conspiracies about how you faked your death in order to run away and live on a prairie somewhere in the middle of nowhere" 

Silence follows his words and Shane sighs, mentally kicking himself for thinking he'd get a response. It had been a few hours since he'd been laid into the ground, Shane had lingered after the wake only to find himself returning to the newly filled patch of dirt. 

"I would have followed you all the way to the graveyard" Shane says it aloud this time. 

"I'm glad you didn't follow me" a voice replies back. 

\---

Shane didn't believe in the supernatural... that was always Ryan's thing.

That's what he continued to tell them for they didnt need to know what he saw at Ryan's funeral... 

**Author's Note:**

> Just a thought that came to me while I was feeling melancholy
> 
> I hope you enjoyed regardless :)


End file.
